I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
