Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
