just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
