I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
