2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
