I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
