Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
