he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
