ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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