Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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