Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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