im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
