all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
