You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
