So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
