Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
