You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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