I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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