I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
