i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I still have a little drunk in my system
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
