Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
