hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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