Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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