i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
