Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
