glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
