Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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