She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
