I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
