So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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