She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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