Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
