Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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