we have pet lesbian snakes
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think people are normalizing furries
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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