im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
