Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
