I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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