My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
