I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
