Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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