He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
