you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
