Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
