So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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