I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
