found the other keg... it's in the tree
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
