Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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