I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
