I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
