Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't deserve a penis
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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