you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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