I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
