Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
