he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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