i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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